“I have a place where I go and I just yell.” He told me as we flirted. He was beautiful and eloquent and interested and I found this yelling off the top of roofs a bit cliché, but I went with it because I was interested too.
“Really? Could you take me there sometime?” I asked on queue.
We were in college and our biggest worries were passing our classes and sounding intelligent in front of those we found attractive. But I felt the need to yell sometimes. Sometimes love hurt and tests were difficult and life felt hard.
We never did go to that rooftop. But I did fall in love for a moment.
Today I was walking back to my quaint Motel 6 room over the 101N after a movie that resonated with me. This particular movie made me feel as though I could soar on the stories I create. Fuck Hollywood magic. It can happen. Anything can. and I watched those cars speed by through the chain link fence that keeps people from jumping or falling, going somewhere above Rohnert Park, and this urge to yell reappeared.
Life is completely overwhelming. When you are in limbo it catches up to you. Waiting for the magic that will make your life a movie.
Blind folds and red sand and sunsets and sun rises and reds and golds and large rocks and deep greens and night skies covered in white specs and ten people sharing these sights with me. Sitting on a rock with our legs dangling free over the Grand Canyon or sleeping under the night sky brimming with stars for the first time in our lives, or watching the sun rise over monument valley introducing reds to our lives that we never knew existed.
And then there’s him. Life quiets down in his presence. We drive to his house passing rolling golden hills contrasting with the evergreen trees and the clear blue sky. Someone once told me those three colors are the suggestions of California. This California is beautiful. The elk graze in his front yard on the beautiful yellow flowers that are weeds in disguise. Even they sense the calm in his presence. They don’t stir as we get out of the car. They are unafraid and so is he and I am in awe. We spend a weekend together as we become more of each other’s lives. I meet his roommates.
Lorenzo and his nomadic lifestyle, famous friends and artistic mind.
Sean and his red solo cups of chai tea as he makes his way to the city alone.
We share more moments and get to see each other in different situations. We are pleased. We are hopeful.
And he drops me off at the Motel 6 where I reunite with my 10 excited friends and colleagues and life speeds up again to its normal rhythm as we wait.
We are waiting to share. Those moments that have changed our lives forever, changing them from constricted, stagnant beings to free, vibrant, lucid objects that we can create. Our job is to share those moments with others. Help others see a beauty in this world that opens eyes to opportunities and magic.
I continue to walk next to the chain link fence listening to music working hard to keep my yells inside but unable to do the same with my subtle tears.